Taint Licker


My jeans are all splashed and smeared with paint of many colors and have grocery lists and peoples’ phone numbers Sharpied all over them.  They’re probably the most immediately recognizable thing about me and whenever I get a new pair, I never feel comfortable in them until they begin to accumulate marks and stains.  Sometimes I let other people draw or write on them.  On one pair that I can’t wear anymore because they’re utterly destroyed, my friend Amber painted “TAINT LICKER” down one of the legs in 2″ white letters.

One day while I was standing at the bus stop after work, a sexy young lady and her disabled mother joined me to wait for the #2.  For a few minutes none of us said anything, but then the younger woman told me she liked my jeans.  I thanked her.

“Are you an artist?” she asked.

I told her I was.  She asked me what kind of art I do.  I showed her some photos I had taken with my phone.  (Since you can’t see my phone, you can see them here.)

She asked me how much I would charge to do a large portrait of her two children and when I said, “At least $300,” she changed the subject.

“What’s that say on your jeans?”  She was pointing down at the left leg and I had completely forgotten Amber had painted “taint licker” on them.

For a moment I didn’t know what to say, but it was too late.  That’s what I get for letting my friends paint on my clothes.  So I told her.

“Oh,” she said, “I gotchoo, I gotchoo.  I swing that way, too.”  I probably would have asked her out if her mother hadn’t been sitting right there in her wheelchair.  Oh, shit, the mother.

Taint licker?” her mother asked.  “Whassat?  Whassa taint?

“It’s the space between your vagina and your butthole,” I replied.  “The medical term is perineum.”

“Ohhhhhh, I know whatchoo talkin’ about,” she said.  “I never knew there was a name for it!”

Thank god my bus came within a minute or so.  What else is there to talk about with two complete strangers after you’ve already explained what a taint is?

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